In the last 11 days I have wanted to scream in fury, sing in joy, hide in fear, reach out in love, strike out in anger, self deficate, never wake up, live, die, hope, dream, begin, end, heal, and hurt. The thing that makes these 11 days different than any other 11 days is that I did do all of those things, except never wake up and die.

My 11 days began when a girl totally flaked on me. We had plans and she bailed without a phone call or even a text message. She just dropped off the face of the earth and would not return my calls or emails.

Then an ex-girlfriend popped back into my life with an about face of the hatred she had felt for me over the last 2 years. We met at a fantastic coffee shop known as the Bourgeois Pig, she shared her chamomile tea with me and we talked for hours before moving our conversation three doors down to a scrumptious sushi place, whose name eludes me, where we spent more hours talking. By the time we parted company, we had talked for six and a half wonderful hours and I left feeling very content and happy. I thought I had regained a dear friend, but in the course of the days between then and now, misunderstandings grew into anger and hostility on both our parts and now we have popped back to the place we were in before, or possibly even worse. It sucks and it makes me sad.

Then, yesterday, the girl who flaked, emailed to tell me that she wasn't attracted to me and didn't want anything more than just a friendship, but that she really valued that friendship and that she had flaked because she wasn't certain of what I wanted from her and didn't know how to deal with it. She is the type of person that will run and hide when things get to convoluted, but she is working on that. How could I fault her for this when I have often done the same thing. She is working on being open, direct, honest, and considerate. These are exactly the characteristics that I am seeking to improve in myself. So, I forgave her for flaking, told her I understood, that I didn't want anything that she didn't want, and that I would love to be her friend. I felt really good about that because the bottom line is that I like her and enjoy her company. I wish that things had turned out the same way with my ex-girlfriend.

So, that leads me to the final, and scariest, part of these 11 days. This morning my mom went into the hospital to undergo open heart surgery. She's actually in surgery at this moment and should be finished by around one o'clock. I'm scared. I've been told that her type of heart sugery is fairly routine and not too complicated, but still it's freakin' open heart surgery! My dad died when I was 10 years old, so anything that puts my mom's life at risk really freaks me out. So now I'm in a state of uncertainty and fear that won't be alleviated until I hear that she is in recovery and doing fine. I know she will be fine simply because she has to be.