Life can be such a fucker sometimes.
It often feels like it gives you just enough rope to allow yourself to start feeling good and then says, "okay that's enough of that," and gives that rope a big fucking yank back. That'll teach you to start feeling good. I spent January recovering from my indentured servitude at Maggiano's, which led into a February that what was actually quite fantastic.
There was one night in February in which I was the happiest and most confident I'd been in some time. I nailed a scene in my acting class in which I put my own stamp on a classic Bill Murray role and I knew it even before I was critiqued. Afterwards I went out to Firefly with a bunch of people from class and had the most amazing time because for the first time in a while I felt really good about myself and in my life that is a rare thing. I didn't want the night to end because everyone around me was treating me differently due to my own internal joy and it was fantastic and I felt so good. It is in rare moments like this that I feel truely myself and actually enjoy being me. Then the next morning I woke up and actually looked forward to the day. It was a delicious feeling. It never ceases to amaze me how much more savory an experience is when you haven't had it in a long time. Of course, this faded over the next few days leaving me back in the emptiness that is my world, a world in which every morning that I wake up I have to deal with the fact that I wish I never had to wake up again, that I could just remain in my dream world forever.
Then came April and my 11 days, which I had hoped had been all of the turmoil life would throw at me for this month, but I was wrong, and despite the fact that I am trying to be more open and honest, I haven't told anyone about this yet. I made an attempt but it didn't work out. Anyway, last week I discovered a small lump on my left testicle. So, today I went to the doctor to get it checked out. He said that it was most likely a cyst, but in order to be certain I have to go next week and get an ultrasound. It will probably be nothing but there still is a chance that it's the big C. I'm scared, I'm resigned, I don't give a fuck. Part of me just so freakin tired and just wants to take a nap. However, another part of me is really fucking stubborn and I have a lot of shit I want to accomplish, so that part of me is saying, "Fuck that shit!" Ever since my Father's death, from cancer by the way, those two have been doing battle with one another and the stubborn side has been holding his ground, but L.A. has been beating my stubborn side up a bit and the 'give up' side has been gaining a lot of ground.
I'm reminded of this scene from the O.C. I know, I know, the O.C. is not exactly television at it's finest, but it does have its rare moments. In this one, Marissa has been dealing with all the shit that happened to her in the first season, and her mom comes up to her and asks Marissa to tell her what's going on with her. Marissa asks her if she really wants to know and her mom says yes. So, Marissa just screams at the top of her lungs this gutteral cry because there are no words to express how much she is really hurting. I feel kind of like that, except that I don't know if I remember the combination to the chains that keep that monster locked away.
"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
How sucky is that, being in pain and not being able to scream. Sure, many people consider that to be 'taking it like a man.' Hell, that's what I thought I was supposed to do when I was 10 years old and my mother told me that my dad had just died. I felt the emotion begin to well up and I slammed a cage of iron chains around that sucker so fast that it barely had the time to register it even existed, and I told myself that I was going to be strong for my mom, because I had to be the 'man of the house' and men don't cry. Now I say, "FUCK THAT SHIT!" Only problem is that in the 23 years since I locked myself down, I forgot how to unlock those chains. My emotions do come out with the right triggers, but I am unable to call them up on my own. Perhaps I have been trying to hard to access my emotions of events that happened 23 years ago. Perhaps, I should start by giving myself permission to feel emotions now and maybe by doing that I'll be able to work my way backwards to heal my original wound. It is a lot of work though and I am so tired.
There was one night in February in which I was the happiest and most confident I'd been in some time. I nailed a scene in my acting class in which I put my own stamp on a classic Bill Murray role and I knew it even before I was critiqued. Afterwards I went out to Firefly with a bunch of people from class and had the most amazing time because for the first time in a while I felt really good about myself and in my life that is a rare thing. I didn't want the night to end because everyone around me was treating me differently due to my own internal joy and it was fantastic and I felt so good. It is in rare moments like this that I feel truely myself and actually enjoy being me. Then the next morning I woke up and actually looked forward to the day. It was a delicious feeling. It never ceases to amaze me how much more savory an experience is when you haven't had it in a long time. Of course, this faded over the next few days leaving me back in the emptiness that is my world, a world in which every morning that I wake up I have to deal with the fact that I wish I never had to wake up again, that I could just remain in my dream world forever.
Then came April and my 11 days, which I had hoped had been all of the turmoil life would throw at me for this month, but I was wrong, and despite the fact that I am trying to be more open and honest, I haven't told anyone about this yet. I made an attempt but it didn't work out. Anyway, last week I discovered a small lump on my left testicle. So, today I went to the doctor to get it checked out. He said that it was most likely a cyst, but in order to be certain I have to go next week and get an ultrasound. It will probably be nothing but there still is a chance that it's the big C. I'm scared, I'm resigned, I don't give a fuck. Part of me just so freakin tired and just wants to take a nap. However, another part of me is really fucking stubborn and I have a lot of shit I want to accomplish, so that part of me is saying, "Fuck that shit!" Ever since my Father's death, from cancer by the way, those two have been doing battle with one another and the stubborn side has been holding his ground, but L.A. has been beating my stubborn side up a bit and the 'give up' side has been gaining a lot of ground.
I'm reminded of this scene from the O.C. I know, I know, the O.C. is not exactly television at it's finest, but it does have its rare moments. In this one, Marissa has been dealing with all the shit that happened to her in the first season, and her mom comes up to her and asks Marissa to tell her what's going on with her. Marissa asks her if she really wants to know and her mom says yes. So, Marissa just screams at the top of her lungs this gutteral cry because there are no words to express how much she is really hurting. I feel kind of like that, except that I don't know if I remember the combination to the chains that keep that monster locked away.
"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
How sucky is that, being in pain and not being able to scream. Sure, many people consider that to be 'taking it like a man.' Hell, that's what I thought I was supposed to do when I was 10 years old and my mother told me that my dad had just died. I felt the emotion begin to well up and I slammed a cage of iron chains around that sucker so fast that it barely had the time to register it even existed, and I told myself that I was going to be strong for my mom, because I had to be the 'man of the house' and men don't cry. Now I say, "FUCK THAT SHIT!" Only problem is that in the 23 years since I locked myself down, I forgot how to unlock those chains. My emotions do come out with the right triggers, but I am unable to call them up on my own. Perhaps I have been trying to hard to access my emotions of events that happened 23 years ago. Perhaps, I should start by giving myself permission to feel emotions now and maybe by doing that I'll be able to work my way backwards to heal my original wound. It is a lot of work though and I am so tired.
posted by phoenixfirerising19 | 4:58 PM
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