Life and all that shit.
I found out the results of my ultrasound today and I don't have cancer. That should have come as a big relief, but when I found out I was almost disappointed. That is probably the closest I can get to describing the way I felt. I need to seriously take a good look at myself and figure out why I would feel that way. I'm not happy. It doesn't seem to matter how much good is going on in my life, whenever something negative or disappointing happens, it always seems to take precedence over anything good. It's like my body is predisposed to the miserable.
It's like I'm in a dark tunnel and I don't like being there, so when I see this ladder that leads up to the daylight, I jump at it too quickly and start to climb. I can see the light getting brighter and closer. I begin to climb a little faster and then all of sudden a pigeon flies over the top of the shaft and drops a big fat bird turd right on my head and all of a sudden the ladder turns into a slide and I fall right back down into the darkness. Now I'm forced to go find another ladder and hope that maybe this time that stupid fucker of a pigeon won't be able to find me.
Maybe I have some sort of chemical imbalance, or maybe certain events from my childhood fucked me up more than I thought, or maybe it's just this fucking town. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm sick and fucking tired of feeling this way. I just want to be able to smile because I feel good and not because I feel I fucking need to. I don't want to be the guy that brings everybody down and I don't want to be the guy pretending to be happy so that he won't bring everybody down. I hate struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I hate feeling this weight on my chest the majority of my waking life. I hate that the only time I feel real is when I'm asleep and dreaming. I hate that since my Father died 23 years ago living has felt like one big struggle. I hate that just found five things that I hate about myself. I hate that I'm using the word hate. I hate that I find it very difficult to nearly impossible to hate another person, but seem to have little trouble feeling that way about myself. I just hope that by being honest with myself about this shit, I'll be able to figure out a way to fix it.
So today's pigeon bomb came from Reel Pros, which are the casting director workshops that I go to. In their system they keep track of good and bad comments or flags. When you get 3 flags they send you an email telling you what the 3 flags are and if you get 5 flags you're kicked out for a period of 6 months. Well, as you've probably already guessed, I got my 3 flag email today. Normally I take criticism very well and use it to better myself, but this one came out of the blue during a very difficult month and to be honest, I really wasn't expecting it. Anyway, these comments came directly from the casting directors, which are the people that stand between me and a job. So, needless to say this did not help to lighten my mood today.
Whatever. I'm done. I'm tired and I don't want to write anymore. I'm going to bed so that I can get up early and go to fluorescent, cubicle hell and talk on a phone for 4 hours trying to get information out of people that aren't exactly eager to give it. Like life isn't enough of a fucking struggle already. Jeez.
It's like I'm in a dark tunnel and I don't like being there, so when I see this ladder that leads up to the daylight, I jump at it too quickly and start to climb. I can see the light getting brighter and closer. I begin to climb a little faster and then all of sudden a pigeon flies over the top of the shaft and drops a big fat bird turd right on my head and all of a sudden the ladder turns into a slide and I fall right back down into the darkness. Now I'm forced to go find another ladder and hope that maybe this time that stupid fucker of a pigeon won't be able to find me.
Maybe I have some sort of chemical imbalance, or maybe certain events from my childhood fucked me up more than I thought, or maybe it's just this fucking town. I don't know. All I do know is that I'm sick and fucking tired of feeling this way. I just want to be able to smile because I feel good and not because I feel I fucking need to. I don't want to be the guy that brings everybody down and I don't want to be the guy pretending to be happy so that he won't bring everybody down. I hate struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I hate feeling this weight on my chest the majority of my waking life. I hate that the only time I feel real is when I'm asleep and dreaming. I hate that since my Father died 23 years ago living has felt like one big struggle. I hate that just found five things that I hate about myself. I hate that I'm using the word hate. I hate that I find it very difficult to nearly impossible to hate another person, but seem to have little trouble feeling that way about myself. I just hope that by being honest with myself about this shit, I'll be able to figure out a way to fix it.
So today's pigeon bomb came from Reel Pros, which are the casting director workshops that I go to. In their system they keep track of good and bad comments or flags. When you get 3 flags they send you an email telling you what the 3 flags are and if you get 5 flags you're kicked out for a period of 6 months. Well, as you've probably already guessed, I got my 3 flag email today. Normally I take criticism very well and use it to better myself, but this one came out of the blue during a very difficult month and to be honest, I really wasn't expecting it. Anyway, these comments came directly from the casting directors, which are the people that stand between me and a job. So, needless to say this did not help to lighten my mood today.
Whatever. I'm done. I'm tired and I don't want to write anymore. I'm going to bed so that I can get up early and go to fluorescent, cubicle hell and talk on a phone for 4 hours trying to get information out of people that aren't exactly eager to give it. Like life isn't enough of a fucking struggle already. Jeez.
posted by phoenixfirerising19 | 11:01 PM
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