My thoughts on the floor like a puddle of...

I was talking with a friend a few minutes ago and this wave of annoyance washed over me. It had nothing to do with the person I was talking to and I'm not exactly sure where it came from, but it's growing stronger and moving towards anger. I feel like hitting something and I don't know why. Okay, I'm going over the conversation in my mind and the annoyance hit when my friend asked me how things were going with my mom. Things are not going good. This entire day has been as if I never had that conversation with her. Everything is right back under the rug. I'm frustrated and angry. I want to go scream at her, but I'm not going to. I can't. She's recovering from heart surgery for god's sake. I feel trapped and claustrophobic. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be the one to keep bringing up this topic. It was hard enough for me to bring it up the first time. My mom doesn't open up much, she tells me that my dad wasn't very open either, and neither was my grandfather. Not talking about shit is in my genes and I want to purge those genes away in a great bonfire. I don't want to live the way my parents lived. I feel so goddamned alone. I want to be in a relationship with someone so badly that I don't think it will ever happen. I want someone to hold me and force me to let go of all of the shit I've been carrying around since my father died. I wish my mom had been that strong with me emotionally when I was a kid, but she couldn't go there because she needs the same goddamned thing and I don't have the fucking strength to give it to her. I need to feel close to someone so badly that I want to scream at the top of my lungs a gutteral cry and unfortunately all that will do is drive everyone away. I feel like that fucking loser guy that William H Macy played in Magnolia. So fucking down on himself that he sunk into this self pitying place where all he could do was cry out that he had love to give and needing it so badly that all it did was drive everyone away. I hate feeling needy and I feel so fucking needy right now. It's fucking pathetic and I don't know how to escape from it. God, I feel like fucking dying and all I want to do is live. I want to change this feeling inside me. Want. That's a fucking screwed up word right there, filled to overflowing with paradox. You see, because the more you want something the less likely that you will be able to attain it. It's like a cosmic law or something. It's seems to me that more people "make it" as an actor only after they don't give a shit about "making it" as an actor. I also hear more cases of people finding love or their "soul mate" only after they've given up and stopped looking. It seems that the less you focus on something the more likely it is that the Universe will give it to you. It's like when you are trying REALLY hard to remember something and the harder you try the further away it seems to get, then days later when you've completely forgotten about it, that fucker will just randomly pop into your head. It's like a little "fuck you" that God sewed into the fabric of reality when he created it. I feel like saying, "Fuck wanting! I don't need shit from anybody!" However, if I say that then I can feel myself going down a very angry path that I don't want to venture on. Anger does not attract it repels. I don't want to repel. That will only give me a false sense that being alone is okay. It's not okay to be alone. Don't get me wrong I don't mean that it's not okay to be alone, I actually enjoy spending time with myself, but there's a fucking limit and eventually I want to spend some time with another person and I would like to spend that time with a woman that I care about and can be intimate with. Is that so much to fucking ask?! No, it's not, but it's also not going to happen until I find a way to be happy now. Until that happens, I won't be good for anyone. I secretly hope that I will meet someone that will see past what I am now and see the man that I can be and will help me get there. I'm beginning to give up hope that a woman like that exists. I just want to be seen, really and truely seen, I want to actually feel like I am here, in this reality, alive and breathing, both physically and emotionally. I feel thin and see through. Most of the time I feel like although my body is here, I am somewhere else entirely, like if the wind were to blow to fiercely I would just fade away like so much smoke.