The revelations of revelation.

Tonight I did something I thought I would never do. I told my mother about things that I have kept hidden for a very long time. I told her about my brush with cancer, how I've been feeling depressed and melancholy, how my father's death still weighs heavily upon me, and the biggie, what happened with Tony. I told her that I felt I needed to get some therapy. She was upset and sad about what I told her. I think it hit her a little hard. She wasn't very comforting or helpful in the way I needed her to be. Sometimes I think that everything would be allright if she would just grab me, hug me, and tell me that she loves me. However, that did not happen because she is in the same place that I am. She grew up in a household with a very severe and stand-offish mother. Although my mother was very good to my sister and I, she has trouble expresing and showing her love. She basicly told me this tonight. So, at least now I know where I get that problem from.

I'm reminded of a section from the "Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Here is a portion of that....

"...Children just feel emotions and their reasoning mind doesn't interpret or question them...We learn to be emotional according to the emotional energy in our home, and our personal reaction to that energy...The emotional energy that lives in our home is going to tune our body to that frequency. The emotional body starts to change its tune, and it is no longer the normal tune of a human being. We play the game of the adults, we play the game of the outside Dream, and we lose. We lose our innocence, we lose our freedom, we lose our happiness, and we lose our tendency to love..."

I may have grown up tuned to a certain frequency, but I don't have to stay on that frequency if I don't want to, and I don't want to. I met an amazing woman a few years ago who taught what it was like to truely love and now that I know what real love feels like I don't want any substitutions. However, that didn't work out for many reasons, of which one of them was that I was not in the right place for it. I wasn't ready for it. I am so thankful to her for reminding me of something that I had lost long ago, something that I had thought lost forever. I eternally thank her for bringing love back into my life in a form that I had not known since early childhood.

Saying aloud the very things that I have always feared to say to the person I thought I would never say them to has illuminated the path that leads me out of this dark valley and toward my own healing. My mom can not help me to get where I want to go because she now stands behind me, in the dark valley from whence I came, a place I am trying desperately to move away from. Perhaps, in making this journey I will be able to one day go back and help her to find the path that leads to freedom, but I can't do that until I first heal myself. My mom is a very strong woman, who has born her own cross out of the darkest reaches of the valley, and I am so proud of her in that, because she could have very easily let herself become like her mother. I thank her in my heart for not allowing that to happen, but I think that she really needs to hear me say it. It is the least I can do for her.

I love you Mom.