Back to the end of the line.
The real me is a crock. A sham. I've been hoodwinked and bamboozled... by myself. Damn me!! Today has so far been the my first completely sober day in I don't know how long. I haven't even had any caffeine. I'm tired. Life is tired. What's the point of all this shit. I keep tooling along on this path I've invented for myself and whenever I pause to check out the landscape everything looks exactly as it did 10 minutes ago, or 10 days ago, or 10 years ago. Sure, the city may have changed, but the limbo is still there. I feel like a ticking bomb amidst a field of artistic impotence. I just tick and tick and tick but never explode. It's like having sex your whole life and never achieving an orgasm.
Today I went to my tortorous job filled with fantastic people. I work in an office that is rumored to have windows and a view, but I've never seen either. The area I work in is bathed solely in florescent light. I stare at a computer screen and talk into a phone for 4 hours. The people I work with are great, but they've created this life within the office that fulfills a purpose but creates nothing. Information comes in, it gets swirled around the office and eventually accumulates with an employee from one company moving to another company. Voila. The end. Praise God that I put my energy into that.
Tomorrow I go to my other tortorous job where I once again work with some really great people. However, this time I get to see the sky through the window of my car as I deliver food from one place to another. Again, what does this accomplish in the greater sceme of things? I bring people their food. What does that create? I help other people create. I deliver to a graphics house that does compiter animation, very good computer animation, while I stand ticking in my field of artistic impotence.
These jobs I work service nothing but the paying of my bills. I work to pay my bills. I work to live in an apartment in a city that often makes my stomach turn. I had a period of time, thanks to my beyond amazing grandma, that I didn't have to work and I was able to spend some time on fixing myself. I was getting somewhere. I was actually starting to feel normal again, maybe even happy. Now I have to work two part-time jobs to not even float above water while my credit card begins to burry me even deeper. Today when I was looking at casting notices I actually passed one by that looked really good because I had to work on the day of the audition. What the fuck is that about?!?!? The thing that was great about this time I was gifted is that I was beginning to get out of the hole I was in an was beginning to feel motivated again. Now, once again, all my energy is going toward surviving jobs that I hate. When I get free time, all I want to do again is absolutely nothing. Why am I like this? What is my major malfunction?
I'll close this post with a little story from last weekend...
A friend called me the other night telling me that she had had a horrible night and that she had been treated really badly by a friend of hers. She asked if she could come over and chill out for a while. My heart leapt, not because she had a bad night, but because she called me and just wanted to spend time with me in order to feel better. Well, it so happened that I was across town when she called and heading home and by the time I got near my house I called her back and she was now at a bar, minus the rude friend. She said she was doing better, but didn't bother to invite me to come out, even though I wasn't in the mood for a bar because I had to get up early the next day for an all day seminar, but it would have been nice to have been asked. So, I went home and actually went to bed at 10:30, which never happens, and was on my way to getting my first good night's sleep in some time. That was not to be however, because she calls me at 1:30 and asks me to come pick her up. I can't understand why because I can never understand what she says on her cell phone, but none-the-less I get out of bed, figure out where she's at and I drove down to meet her. I get there and she's finishing up conversations with people and she says she's going to her car and then we'd go. Well, we get to her car and one of her other friends is sleeping in the passenger seat. She opens the door and the alarm starts going off and she gets into a fight with the guy about where the keys are. After 5 minutes of searching his seat, I find her keys at the bottom of her purse. We shut off the alarm. The guy gets huffy about the fact that I've shown up and starts making calls on his cell phone and walks away as she tries to tell him to come back and she'll take him home. She sits in the driver's seat and we talk for a bit and the guy comes back and sits in the passenger seat and tells me to "fucking get out of here," to which she promptly replies that he needs to get the fuck out of her car and I just know I'm about 2 'fuck yous' away from being the receiving end of his frustration with her. However, he leaves and she asks me to take his place in the driver's seat, which I do, and she breaks down. She cries and cries and cries and I held her and was just there for her. It was a truely magical moment. She let her guard down with me and for about 3 minutes we were actually pretty close and I felt like I had a true friend again. She asked me if I had a funny movie at my house we could watch and I said yes, keeping in mind that it is now 3am and I had ro get up at 7am. Then, she calmed down and anger replaced the tears and she insisted that she was going to drive. I wasn't to sure about that and I did my best to convince her that it wasn't the best idea, but she was determined and when that girl is determined you can't stop her and if you physically try to stop her she will brawl with you. So, we determined that I would follow her back to my place, it wasn't far, and we'd watch a funny movie. Well, when we get to the turn to my place, she goes left instead of right. So, I call her to find out what's up and apparently she had gotten a phone call inbetween the bar and the turn and was now going to go pick up some coke, and I don't mean the liquid variety. So, she tells me that she will call me shortly. I go home and wait. Nothing. So I call her. Nothing. I call her again. Nothing. Finally at 4am she calls me and tells me that she's home and fine. I didn't sleep the reat of the night. I was a wreck for the seminar. I sacrificed my night's sleep and the first day of my seminar to be there for her and she bails on me for some coke. Yeah, I've got some great fucking friends. This town blows and the real me is a sucker.
Today I went to my tortorous job filled with fantastic people. I work in an office that is rumored to have windows and a view, but I've never seen either. The area I work in is bathed solely in florescent light. I stare at a computer screen and talk into a phone for 4 hours. The people I work with are great, but they've created this life within the office that fulfills a purpose but creates nothing. Information comes in, it gets swirled around the office and eventually accumulates with an employee from one company moving to another company. Voila. The end. Praise God that I put my energy into that.
Tomorrow I go to my other tortorous job where I once again work with some really great people. However, this time I get to see the sky through the window of my car as I deliver food from one place to another. Again, what does this accomplish in the greater sceme of things? I bring people their food. What does that create? I help other people create. I deliver to a graphics house that does compiter animation, very good computer animation, while I stand ticking in my field of artistic impotence.
These jobs I work service nothing but the paying of my bills. I work to pay my bills. I work to live in an apartment in a city that often makes my stomach turn. I had a period of time, thanks to my beyond amazing grandma, that I didn't have to work and I was able to spend some time on fixing myself. I was getting somewhere. I was actually starting to feel normal again, maybe even happy. Now I have to work two part-time jobs to not even float above water while my credit card begins to burry me even deeper. Today when I was looking at casting notices I actually passed one by that looked really good because I had to work on the day of the audition. What the fuck is that about?!?!? The thing that was great about this time I was gifted is that I was beginning to get out of the hole I was in an was beginning to feel motivated again. Now, once again, all my energy is going toward surviving jobs that I hate. When I get free time, all I want to do again is absolutely nothing. Why am I like this? What is my major malfunction?
I'll close this post with a little story from last weekend...
A friend called me the other night telling me that she had had a horrible night and that she had been treated really badly by a friend of hers. She asked if she could come over and chill out for a while. My heart leapt, not because she had a bad night, but because she called me and just wanted to spend time with me in order to feel better. Well, it so happened that I was across town when she called and heading home and by the time I got near my house I called her back and she was now at a bar, minus the rude friend. She said she was doing better, but didn't bother to invite me to come out, even though I wasn't in the mood for a bar because I had to get up early the next day for an all day seminar, but it would have been nice to have been asked. So, I went home and actually went to bed at 10:30, which never happens, and was on my way to getting my first good night's sleep in some time. That was not to be however, because she calls me at 1:30 and asks me to come pick her up. I can't understand why because I can never understand what she says on her cell phone, but none-the-less I get out of bed, figure out where she's at and I drove down to meet her. I get there and she's finishing up conversations with people and she says she's going to her car and then we'd go. Well, we get to her car and one of her other friends is sleeping in the passenger seat. She opens the door and the alarm starts going off and she gets into a fight with the guy about where the keys are. After 5 minutes of searching his seat, I find her keys at the bottom of her purse. We shut off the alarm. The guy gets huffy about the fact that I've shown up and starts making calls on his cell phone and walks away as she tries to tell him to come back and she'll take him home. She sits in the driver's seat and we talk for a bit and the guy comes back and sits in the passenger seat and tells me to "fucking get out of here," to which she promptly replies that he needs to get the fuck out of her car and I just know I'm about 2 'fuck yous' away from being the receiving end of his frustration with her. However, he leaves and she asks me to take his place in the driver's seat, which I do, and she breaks down. She cries and cries and cries and I held her and was just there for her. It was a truely magical moment. She let her guard down with me and for about 3 minutes we were actually pretty close and I felt like I had a true friend again. She asked me if I had a funny movie at my house we could watch and I said yes, keeping in mind that it is now 3am and I had ro get up at 7am. Then, she calmed down and anger replaced the tears and she insisted that she was going to drive. I wasn't to sure about that and I did my best to convince her that it wasn't the best idea, but she was determined and when that girl is determined you can't stop her and if you physically try to stop her she will brawl with you. So, we determined that I would follow her back to my place, it wasn't far, and we'd watch a funny movie. Well, when we get to the turn to my place, she goes left instead of right. So, I call her to find out what's up and apparently she had gotten a phone call inbetween the bar and the turn and was now going to go pick up some coke, and I don't mean the liquid variety. So, she tells me that she will call me shortly. I go home and wait. Nothing. So I call her. Nothing. I call her again. Nothing. Finally at 4am she calls me and tells me that she's home and fine. I didn't sleep the reat of the night. I was a wreck for the seminar. I sacrificed my night's sleep and the first day of my seminar to be there for her and she bails on me for some coke. Yeah, I've got some great fucking friends. This town blows and the real me is a sucker.
posted by phoenixfirerising19 | 3:24 PM
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