Another dream...
I had a very strange dream last night. I was myself in this dream, a 33 year old man, but in a way that could never be in reality. You see, in my dream I was pregnant. Yeah, you read me right. I was at the hospital and I was going to have a baby. I didn't have some abnormally huge stomach or anything, but there you have it. I still hadn't decided if I would keep the child or not.
I have no memory of the birthing process, except that I knew that it had happened, and I had gone on a walk. When I got back from my walk the nurse said that I could see the baby through the glass window of the nursery in a few minutes. She said that the baby was a boy. She asked me if I had decided to keep the child. I told her I wasn't sure.
I was conflicted. I didn't want to give up myself for the child. I thought about all of the demands the child would require of me and that I would require of myself if I were to keep the child. I didn't know if I could live up to those demands, or more specifically, I did not think that I could, or even wanted to, give up my own wants for the needs of the child. This is one of the primary reasons that I have decided that I don't know if I want to have kids. I am very selfish with my time and until I can see that I am willing and wanting to make the time sacrifice that a child requires and deserves, I cannot in good conscience bring a child into this world. It just wouldn't be right.
Then, there was this other side of me, or perhaps I should say a deeper part of me, that felt a strong connection to this baby that I had not even seen yet. I knew deep down that I didn't want to let him go. I felt this need for him that I could not explain and all of those reasons for not wanting to keep him seemed petty and small. The connection felt strong enough to overcome any obstacle if I just put faith in that feeling, that connection, and lived my life honoring that connection. The dream ended as I walked up to the window of the room that held my baby boy.
Obviously this dream is a metaphor for something. I'm on the fence about something very important and the time has come to either invest in it fully or give it away. The baby is born and a decision has to be made.
I have no memory of the birthing process, except that I knew that it had happened, and I had gone on a walk. When I got back from my walk the nurse said that I could see the baby through the glass window of the nursery in a few minutes. She said that the baby was a boy. She asked me if I had decided to keep the child. I told her I wasn't sure.
I was conflicted. I didn't want to give up myself for the child. I thought about all of the demands the child would require of me and that I would require of myself if I were to keep the child. I didn't know if I could live up to those demands, or more specifically, I did not think that I could, or even wanted to, give up my own wants for the needs of the child. This is one of the primary reasons that I have decided that I don't know if I want to have kids. I am very selfish with my time and until I can see that I am willing and wanting to make the time sacrifice that a child requires and deserves, I cannot in good conscience bring a child into this world. It just wouldn't be right.
Then, there was this other side of me, or perhaps I should say a deeper part of me, that felt a strong connection to this baby that I had not even seen yet. I knew deep down that I didn't want to let him go. I felt this need for him that I could not explain and all of those reasons for not wanting to keep him seemed petty and small. The connection felt strong enough to overcome any obstacle if I just put faith in that feeling, that connection, and lived my life honoring that connection. The dream ended as I walked up to the window of the room that held my baby boy.
Obviously this dream is a metaphor for something. I'm on the fence about something very important and the time has come to either invest in it fully or give it away. The baby is born and a decision has to be made.
posted by phoenixfirerising19 | 10:20 AM
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