The Truth about Lies.

What exactly is truth? Webster's defines truth as sincerity in action, character, and utterance. Truth is an ideal that I seldom live up to. This of course begs the question; what does it mean to lie? Webster's defines lying as making an untrue statement with intent to deceive or creating a false or misleading impression. According to these definitions the life I live is a lie. Now, what I am getting at goes far deeper than telling people falsehoods. The lie I live goes down deep to the heart of me. I lie in my heart to myself on a daily basis, which in turn creates insincerity in every action, utterance and bit of my character. I am a liar. I miss my Dad and I pretend I don't. I'm sad all the fucking time and I pretend I'm happy. I love a girl and I act like I don't. I have such a fucking hard time being real in my work because I can't even be real with myself. I'm sick of it. I want off this ride. It's boring and I never seem to get anywhere. I just keep going round and round in circles that never end.

I'm afraid to get off this ride though. I haven't known anything but this ride for 25 years. 25 fucking years!! I don't know how to open up to anyone or be real unless I'm convinced that I'll be emotionally safe. The rub is that nothing is emotionally safe in this world, being as that's the point of the whole damn thing. So, I stay in my little fucking windowed box and peer out at the world and observe it but never fucking interact with it. Fuck being safe. I want change and I want growth. I call upon the Universe and the Pheonix to send me Truth like a whirlwind. May Truth become a compulsion that I can't deny.

So be it.