Reaching...

I'm antcy. I can't sit still. I've woken up between 2-3am the last three nights. I'm stressed too. Probably what's causing the mid-night wakeups. My roommate just told me on Monday that he's found a place and that he's putting in his 30-day notice. He'd told me that he was going to start looking 3 months ago, so this didn't come as a shock or anything, but god do I hate moving. I love the view from my place and the having the hiking trails right next door, but other than that I am not very fond of my place. So, I am casting out the line and hoping that it hooks something good.

I've been wanting to live by the ocean for a while and I now have a chance to make that happen. A friend has graciously offered to put me up in her spare room, so that I can take my time and find the perfect place. Great things are happening and I am trying really hard to not allow my lurking anxiety of the moving process to overshadow that. This will be my 6th move in 7 1/2 years. I feel lost; like I have no home. Before I went to university I lived in the same house for 24 years. It feels like it's been a long while since I've truly been happy with my living situation. That has to change now because after this move I don't know if I will be able to handle another.

I'm really trying to be excited about this but it's so hard. I have to be out of my place in three weeks and all of the work and preparation that I need to do is pushing down upon me and I feel trapped underneath it and it's growing heavier by the second and it's pushing me underwater and it's getting difficult to breathe and... I will overcome it, like I always do and I will make it through only to have to do it all over again in the very near future when I have to move out of my friend's place into whatever place I find, which won't be my place because I can't afford a one bedroom apartment and a studio is like a claustrophobic box to me so that's out of the question. This of course means that I will most likely be moving into a place with someone I've never met before and that just has never worked out very well for me.

It just feels like I'm walking down a path that leads to a dead end and it's becoming really hard for me to find the energy to keep fighting and moving forward. I've been walking for a long time now and I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, I turn around and I can't see the light from the way I came either. So, the only choice I have is to keep moving forward and hope that I see that light real soon. If I can only find something to grab onto, something tangible to fight for, then I will find the strength to make it the rest of the way. It's just that right now it feels like I'm falling and I'm grabbing at the air, but there's nothing to grab onto, so I just keep falling. Luckily for me the ground is a long way off and I still have time to learn how to fly.