Nothing.

I don't know why I even bother writing on this stupid thing since nobody ever reads it, even though I've given the address out to many people. Whatever. I'm running in circles. Circles, circles, circles. I can feel myself breaking down. My drive is being dismantled one crucial piece at a time. I went to the wrap party Saturday night for this web series I stared in and I left depressed. That should have been a fantastic night and I left depressed. What the hell is that about? Evrything seems so pointless. It feels like the older I get, the further I move away from everything that matters. The funny thing is I can't even figure out what mattters anymore. I'm beginning to think nothing. Nothing matters. Life is just a cosmic joke that you're forced to live through until you die and then it's the big, fat nothing for you my friend. Doesn't that sound fantastic? Nothing followed by nothing. Maybe Buddha had it right all along. Just find nothing now and then you'll have peace because you'll never be disappointed. I want to curl up and forget the world. Right now that is truely what I want. The struggle is becoming a burden that I no longer wish to carry.

Fight the Lullaby.

There is a thing I've heard of
Once in a lullaby.
A sound undreamed of skirts by
on wings of hope undone.
Love cries broken dreams of woe
torn from burden's talons.
I take my leave of you, boy.
Alone you are to be
for eternal days to come.
You may think to know love
but it will slip through like smoke
in the hands of a dream.
Die now for life holds nothing
for such as your soul lost.
Smoke tendrils of emptiness
swirl like flames of embrace;
teasing, twirling, affection.
Nothing is real, they lie.
I feel, I've felt love before.
Who do you think you are?
It's the gun for you my boy,
or perhaps it's a noose
in gallows that you prefer.
You will not master me.
I master you already.
No. I will persevere.
You may try if you will.
There is no such thing as try,
By my will, I will do.

Troubles, troubles, troubles...

I've made a new discovery. I rush. In everything, I rush. I'll see clearly what needs to be done, but when the moment comes I either rush through it or run away from it. I've known this for a long time. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. Remember the story from a while back about the girl from the 9th grade? I saw the moment approaching and I ran away from it. Even down to simply things like letting a person in during traffic, or holding open a door, or pulling out a chair, or holding an elevator door. A lot of the time I either run away from or miss these moments because I'm in such a damn hurry to get to the next moment, where I'll do the same thing again.

I began to ponder why this was. What exactly is the cause of this behavior? I have to root it out and learn to slow down and be comfortable in the moment or I'm going to lose the race. So, I began to look back at all of these moments that I would rush through and I found a common thread. Me. I'm the common thread. Every one of those moments involved me being vulnerable and it scares the hell out of me so I would race through the moment to get it over with. Not a good thing for an actor. I have denied this for a very long time. "I don't have a problem with intimacy." However, my actions beg to differ.

I need to learn to slow down and not rush the moment, that it's okay to reveal myslef, that it's okay to relax, and that it's okay to feel. It all goes back to the day my Dad died. I rush and I rush and I rush because if I rush through everything I won't have to care again and if I don't have to care again then it won't hurt when that which I care about goes away, and it always goes away. I know that's no way to live, hell I don't even consider it living. It's an emotional limbo, it's the very thing I was describing in the poem below. I'm tired. I'm always tired. My whole body is a tense mass of knots because what I can't let go of inside is now permeating into the physical. I feel like a child. I don't know how to let go of this thing and I so badly want to. I've tried relaxing my body, but it does nothing for the emotional muscles clamped down inside. I ache for release that never comes. The end of the poem is where I want to be, but I'm still stuck in that embryonic sack.

The Deeps of Me

Something inside me,
Pushing outward,
Stretching at boundaries,
Holding ever fast,
I want out.

I'm not in,
Checked out,
Bags packed,
Waiting for limbo,
Trains that never come.

Standing, an empty platform,
Deep inside and far away,
Body that is and is not me,
Pushing, straining, stretching, yearning,
Freedom that never comes.

Embryonic sack,
Separates me, myself,
Hardens against outstretched hands,
Encumbering connections,
All that lies beyond.

I feel,
Hand against mine,
Separation opaque,
Pressed against, pressed back,
Strange, this feeling unknown.

Connection formulation?

I dip my toe,
Cold is the water,
Lake of Souls,
Warm is the hand,
Inviting, against mine.

Connection trepidation?

I push harder,
Hand is warm,
Bonfire of Souls,
Water is cold,
Afraid, give me more.

Connection exploration?

I am gathered
Energy in my hand,
Push forth small light,
Penetrate through barriers,
Deep, the hand beyond.

Connection innovation.

Help me,
Show the way,
Light bourne translations
Words, sounds, feelings,
A lost soul pleads.

I conceive light,
Birthing in spaces,
Beyond the center,
Connection born fire,
Burns dark barriers.

A moment of magic.

Creates that which
One word often belies,
Orgasms that which
One sound often bemoans,
Raptures that which
One feeling often denies.

Simplicity recalled,
Melts time barriers,
Blind was the lost,
Now seen, the hand
Clasped in mine,
Is mine own.

Power of One found.

Love,
Remember how to love,
Myself I see,
One, I become,
Whole.

Finally, the train arrived,
Embarked for destinations
Unknown, I take a seat,
Look out the window,
Horizons approaching.

Limbo receding,
Baggage left behind,
Sodom and Gomorrah
On an empty platform,
Fades away into memory.

Another dream...

I had a very strange dream last night. I was myself in this dream, a 33 year old man, but in a way that could never be in reality. You see, in my dream I was pregnant. Yeah, you read me right. I was at the hospital and I was going to have a baby. I didn't have some abnormally huge stomach or anything, but there you have it. I still hadn't decided if I would keep the child or not.

I have no memory of the birthing process, except that I knew that it had happened, and I had gone on a walk. When I got back from my walk the nurse said that I could see the baby through the glass window of the nursery in a few minutes. She said that the baby was a boy. She asked me if I had decided to keep the child. I told her I wasn't sure.

I was conflicted. I didn't want to give up myself for the child. I thought about all of the demands the child would require of me and that I would require of myself if I were to keep the child. I didn't know if I could live up to those demands, or more specifically, I did not think that I could, or even wanted to, give up my own wants for the needs of the child. This is one of the primary reasons that I have decided that I don't know if I want to have kids. I am very selfish with my time and until I can see that I am willing and wanting to make the time sacrifice that a child requires and deserves, I cannot in good conscience bring a child into this world. It just wouldn't be right.

Then, there was this other side of me, or perhaps I should say a deeper part of me, that felt a strong connection to this baby that I had not even seen yet. I knew deep down that I didn't want to let him go. I felt this need for him that I could not explain and all of those reasons for not wanting to keep him seemed petty and small. The connection felt strong enough to overcome any obstacle if I just put faith in that feeling, that connection, and lived my life honoring that connection. The dream ended as I walked up to the window of the room that held my baby boy.

Obviously this dream is a metaphor for something. I'm on the fence about something very important and the time has come to either invest in it fully or give it away. The baby is born and a decision has to be made.

Apologies and Wonderings

I few days ago I wrote about my friend who called me up at 2am to meet her and then bailed on me. At the end of that post I basically accused her of being a horrible friend. That was an exaggeration spoken in anger. She is not a horrible friend. In fact, quite the opposite, she is a great friend. However, that does not mean that her behavior that night is exactly excusable. Her choice to go get coke instead of hanging out with me, like we had planned moments earlier, made me feel inconsequential and used. That is a feeling that I have felt often in my lifetime and one that I had thought I left behind a while ago. So, to have it hit me so unexpectedly from someone that I care about left me with a growing anger, not towards her necessarily but towards my life. The thing is that I have already forgiven her in my heart but she needs to do something fro me to show me that I matter to her, something that does not involve money. An apology of true understanding would do. Something, that demonstrates that she understands why bailing on me like that is not right. I would never have done that to her. Never. Which, of course, makes it that much more hurtful that she did it to me. So, On my part I am sorry that I called her a horrible friend, because I didn't mean it in my heart when I said it, I was just angry, which is why I vented it here.

Now, since that incident, she called me again, twice, Friday morning at around 4am. I didn't answer because I was afraid that what happened before would happen again, even though I really wanted to answer, maybe I felt I was punishing her by not answering, even though I was actually punishing myself because in my heart I wanted to answer. I was just so afraid that I would wind up feeling used again. So, I didn't answer either time and she didn't leave a message. I called her later on that morning around the time I knew she'd be going to work and left a message that I saw she called when I woke up and that I didn't answer because I never heard the phone. A lie of cowardice that I am going to have to correct when I see her next. I called her again about 4 hours later and hung up when her voicemail answered. She called me a little later and told me she was at work. I asked her what happened and if she was alright and she said yes but I could tell in her voice that she wasn't and I told her so. She was starting to get choked up a little and she said that she would call me after she got off work. She didn't. I called her at about 9pm and left a message. She hasn't called back. I want to call again but I'm afraid of pushing her because if she feels pushed she'll back off even more and I don't want that.

Why is it that I am so concerned about her? Why is it that I feel weak for doing that? Why is it that I want to be there for her even after she bailed on me? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I needy? Is that why? How do I show that a behavior is not acceptable while at the same time showing that does not change how I feel about the person? Is it a sign of strength that I didn't answer her call, or is it actually a sign of weakness that I betrayed what I really wanted to do, which was answer her call?