The Endless Now

My fingertips graze the tips of wheat
Sipping the sky in fields of gold
I watch the waves roll
Across the plains so vast
Blue descends upon me
With a quiet weight all its own
My chest expands in Nature’s
Ever loving caress
I long for days gone by
Beneath Time’s endless stampede
Yet no repast comes
From God or man
I sink into the flow
As the days recede
Endlessly into the fading horizon
I am alone, moving forward,
In currents that are not my own
I see an emptiness before me
And so much behind me
I am drunk on the wine of yesterday
And long for something fresh on the morrow
As I sift through the Endless Now.

To be or not to be?

That is the question… I have perused those words across the landscape of my mind for decades now and yet, I feel that I have not, even now, cracked the core of their enigma. I am here so therefore I am, but I still don’t feel that… I am. The world moves around me in its machinations and I feel ethereal before it, like a skim of gossamer that can not quite catch the light. Yet, every once in a great while a breeze will shift that skim of gossamer in just the right way so that, for one eternally brief moment, it catches the light and… …oh… the beauty of it stops my heart… I can’t bear to breathe that it might shift that skim of gossamer out of the light… …it is gone. The world grows dull and I am once again translucent. I am tired and I wish to sleep. Oh how I wish to sleep, but I stay awake; waiting… waiting… for that gossamer to shift just the right way one more time… just one more time then I can sleep… I will endure another book of days to feel that beauty one more time… and one more time… and one more time… until the end of my days… I choose to be.

Hidden Beauty

Deep within the eyes
of a girl I know,

I see a smoldering
rooted within hidden

forges; begging, wanting and
yearning, longing, hungering,

needing, lusting, desiring,
fighting, requiring, being,

creating raging holocausts that
burn; passionate upon the altar

of Beauty, lasting into the night;
guiding the lost to her eternal

brilliance, so that they might see that which they
never knew they missed; something unknown; lost; found;

Oh Beauty, spread your wings and take flight upon
the breath of Creation and bring your light down

amongst the lost and weary so that they too might
become that which moves the spirit to greater heights;

a wildfire, spreading outward, engulfing a
world lost in its own blind ignorance, waiting

for the spark that will ignite a smoldering Renaissance
that lies waiting deep within the eyes of a girl I know.

(A) Trying (a) bit of Evolution

Hi,

Thanks for the phone call last night, I'm sorry I missed you. I'm taking it you survived the storm. I saw some of that on the news, it looked brutal. Things have been a little crazy and stressed over here as well. I'm working on moving out of my place. I have to be out by the end of the month and I still haven't found a new place, so I will be moving in with my friend until I can find a new place. She lives in Venice Beach so it'll be a good base of operations for me in my apt hunt as I'm looking to move to Santa Monica or Venice Beach. I need to be closer to the Ocean if I'm going to be able to survive here much longer. Moving has become a very traumatic experience because in the last 4 out of 5 moves I have ended up in a place or situation that has led me to not feeling at peace or has stifled my flow of energy & inspiration, or even worse both. This has led to me having a lot of anxiety about moving because it has just become this big chore that leads to more of the same instead of a step up, and I mean that in more of a spiritual way than a material way. So, since I am moving into N's spare room, there is little room for my furniture and such, so I have to put most of my things into storage and get the stuff I need over to her place and the figuring of that has become a big headache. I can't even tell you how crazy I'd be going now if she hadn't offered to put me up until I find a place. I am grateful to her beyond words. Needless to say all of this stress has been affecting my sleep as I've been waking up in the middle of the night for the past 2 weeks.

Anyway, enough of my woe. It'll be all good and well worth all the effort when I'm living 4 blocks or so from the beach. I'm going to start getting up early for a bike ride or rollerblading along the boardwalk in Santa Monica. Paramahansa Yogananda built a garden, called Lake Shrine, around a lake on the beach side of Sunset Blvd and I will be able to go there more often to meditate. There is a shrine there to Gandhi that contains a portion of his ashes, it's amazing because every time I approach the shrine I am overcome with peace. It's truly a transcendent place.

N's been going through a really rough time lately in a breakup with a boyfriend who has been nothing but a heavy weight on her evolution. She's finally cut that weight loose and I am eager to be there for her as she finally gets to the place she's been striving to be for the last two years. She's been putting so much effort into it while constantly having to fight the downward tugs of her ex and it has made her even stronger and now with that weight lost, she is going to catapult skyward. I'm excited for her and know she is going to become a great source of inspiration and energy. I have no doubt that she will become a Northstar that will shine brightly in the dark places and guide the lost in their upward journeys.

Then, on top of all of this, the vibe in Santa Monica is very open, joyous, freeing and I feel so much better when I'm there. So, I am confident that once I am there I will begin to heal from the claustrophobic, heavy and negative vibe that has been infecting me here in Hollywood and holding me down in its spiritual morosity. So, ultimately this is going to be very good for me but I am not looking forward to the trials that await me over the next few months. However, after writing this, I am beginning to get excited about facing them and coming to terms with my own evolution. Of course, with a view ahead of me like the one above, how can I not get excited as I dig deep for that inner strength that has seen me through so much and make a push for the open sky that is now within reach...

On a complete left turn, my schedule is completely wacked and unpredictable over the next 2 weeks. I know I won't be available to talk at least through Thursday and then we'll have to see about the weekend. I will let you know, but for now email would probably be best. Until then stay dry!!!

Much love,
~B

Reaching...

I'm antcy. I can't sit still. I've woken up between 2-3am the last three nights. I'm stressed too. Probably what's causing the mid-night wakeups. My roommate just told me on Monday that he's found a place and that he's putting in his 30-day notice. He'd told me that he was going to start looking 3 months ago, so this didn't come as a shock or anything, but god do I hate moving. I love the view from my place and the having the hiking trails right next door, but other than that I am not very fond of my place. So, I am casting out the line and hoping that it hooks something good.

I've been wanting to live by the ocean for a while and I now have a chance to make that happen. A friend has graciously offered to put me up in her spare room, so that I can take my time and find the perfect place. Great things are happening and I am trying really hard to not allow my lurking anxiety of the moving process to overshadow that. This will be my 6th move in 7 1/2 years. I feel lost; like I have no home. Before I went to university I lived in the same house for 24 years. It feels like it's been a long while since I've truly been happy with my living situation. That has to change now because after this move I don't know if I will be able to handle another.

I'm really trying to be excited about this but it's so hard. I have to be out of my place in three weeks and all of the work and preparation that I need to do is pushing down upon me and I feel trapped underneath it and it's growing heavier by the second and it's pushing me underwater and it's getting difficult to breathe and... I will overcome it, like I always do and I will make it through only to have to do it all over again in the very near future when I have to move out of my friend's place into whatever place I find, which won't be my place because I can't afford a one bedroom apartment and a studio is like a claustrophobic box to me so that's out of the question. This of course means that I will most likely be moving into a place with someone I've never met before and that just has never worked out very well for me.

It just feels like I'm walking down a path that leads to a dead end and it's becoming really hard for me to find the energy to keep fighting and moving forward. I've been walking for a long time now and I still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, I turn around and I can't see the light from the way I came either. So, the only choice I have is to keep moving forward and hope that I see that light real soon. If I can only find something to grab onto, something tangible to fight for, then I will find the strength to make it the rest of the way. It's just that right now it feels like I'm falling and I'm grabbing at the air, but there's nothing to grab onto, so I just keep falling. Luckily for me the ground is a long way off and I still have time to learn how to fly.

a crack in the door...

I was just online submitting my headshot to a casting and as I was looking at the photo an interesting line of thought emerged, so I decided to follow it. While looking at the photo I suddenly thought to myself, "I have a lot of girl in me." The best way I can think of to describe the source of this thought is that I've always preferred watching a good tear-jerker over watching some boring old football game. This has caused a great deal of angst in my life because I couldn't relate with a lot of the guys I knew in school because one of their main foci was always sports for which I had very little aptitude and no interest. I've always preferred books and movies to sports, which unforunately wasn't one of the most social of extracurricular activity. One of the fallouts of this is that I never learned how to pursue a woman and it never just came to me either. I suck at it. A lot of this has to do with the fact that I am lacking in a lot of the typical male qualities that women are generally attracted to and they end up picking up a 'friend' vibe instead of an 'I'm into you' vibe from me. So I end up with a lot of friends who are girls and few girlfriends. However, the girlfriends I have had have always had the aggressiveness and sex drive of what you would typically find in a man. This is interesting because they were able to pick up on my version of signals and I got them to pursue me. This is an odd place to be for a man because I feel very awkward in the position of the pursuer, I much prefer being pursued. So, basically, I've come to the conclusion I need to start meeting more lesbians.

Almost there...

I'm on the edge of a new year and about to venture forth to San Francisco in order to welcome 2007 the Irish way... at a pub... drinking Guinness. I'm hoping the night will find me with a lighter heart than it began. I have my doubts of this, but I would love to be surprised. Hell I need to be surprised.